Why do I feel like doing nothing?


I have so much to do.  I was supposed to get up everyday and do my yoga, and go to the gym to do my gerbil impression (treadmill), but somehow I have managed to avoid it, every. single. time.  I say I will, but I never get around to it.  I have really got to get past this feeling of just wanting to sit here, and do nothing.  After all, want good is a promise you can’t keep to yourself?  My schedule?  blasted out of the water.  I have only done one post this week, two, if you count this one.  I am supposed to be writing more, and being more productive this year, but I find myself in the same lazy rut I was in last year.  UGH!!!  I hate this.  This has got to be the worst feeling ever.  It’s like I am stuck.  No.  Wait.  That’s not it.  I know what this is, and I have been fighting it ever since I got the call from my cousin. It’s depression. It’s back, and no matter how hard I have been fighting it, I think it’s finally got a hold of me.

 You see, I try to be strong, too often I think that if I can just hold on a little longer, that I can everything to work out.  Then, all it takes is one thing, I start falling apart.

There is this sweet little old lady that used to come into the gas station every Sunday.  She used to give me a $20 bill for filling up her tank, and never took that much; so, she would have to come in for change.  One Sunday, her car made it, with her daughter inside it, and not her.  I asked about her.  She told me her mom had a stroke.  This was last year, when everything was cruising along at a nice clip.  Then, last Saturday, she came into the store with her granddaughter.  She stood there looking a little confused, and tried to say something.  Nothing but a jumble of letters came out.  I did everything I could not to fall apart.  It worked, but you see, as she stood there, all I saw was my grandmother, and the fact that she can’t even stand without help.  She won’t eat without being encouraged, and her lungs are only working at 85% percent capacity.  My uncle says that she is acting like a child, but I know it’s because she feels as if she is a burden.  

My mother, son, and I are going to see her on the 9th of Feb.  The more I try my best not to dwell on it, the more I fall apart.  I’m sorry. I can’t finish typing this…  I’m crying too hard.  God, please, give me the strength to face this.  

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