As I sit in the apartment this Monday morning, I find myself having mixed feelings. Today is the day I go back to the house where I lived with a good man for twelve years to retrieve the rest of my things, sign a paper to give me my maiden name once again, and take the first step to moving my business out of Newnan. Lots of the things on the agenda. Why mixed feelings?
Let me explain…
I have never been one to seek out to hurt people. I do not like watching hearts break, and I do not like being in awkward situations. I am going to be in an awkward situation today. Even thought I still care for Mark, he is going to be there as I pack the rest of my things into my car to finish moving to Griffin. It is awkward for me, because I know I have hurt him. He still loves. I know this, but, even though I care for him, I cannot return the love. This is why I am letting him go. I know there is someone out there for him. It’s just not me, not anymore.
I am not like a lot of women who divorce and rejoice. I have even seen them celebrate. I can only guess about what they went through in order to be that happy to be officially severed from their husband. This is not a divorce born of hatred or contempt. This is a divorce of someone who has found her soul-mate after years of searching, and has, unfortunately, broken a heart in the process. I am happy to start the next chapter of my life with my love and soul-mate, but I am not happy that I had to hurt someone at the same time.
Then, there is my son. At twenty, he is like all children during divorces, blaming himself. I know this is true. When my parents were fighting so many years ago, I blamed myself. I can see why he would try to place the blame on his shoulders, but this is not his fault, by no means. I never wanted to be apart from Buddy, but circumstances lead us to part. I truly believe, that if we were left alone to be together, we would still be together, and my parents would probably have at least three grandchildren. Scary, I know, but I believe this to be true.
Until next time, God bless.