I knew there would me fallout. I knew there would be anger, frustration, and contempt. I also knew there would be trust broken. My new life is not without a price.
For the record, I still care for my ex, just not in the way he deserves. Did I ever love him? Yes. I would have never married him if I didn’t. There was strife, and problems. In the end, that was on both our parts. Do I blame him for what happened? ABSOLUTELY NOT. He is a good man, hard working, and devoted. Even though it sounds cliche, it was me.
The twenty years spent searching was actually twenty years of following fleeting leads of sightings of his biological father. I do believe we are soulmates. Did I honestly know that all those intense feelings would be there after twenty years? No. I can honestly say that I didn’t think it would end up this way. Yes, Buddy is a missing piece in my son”s life and mine, but I didn’t think the feelings would be the same after twenty years.
The past three years, being married to Mark was good, wonderful even. He was attentive, supportive to a point, and was always there when I needed him. I just wasn’t there mentally anymore. I tried. I would sit on the couch and watch TV with him, a movie on Demand with dinner. I would be intimate with him, but it wasn’t the same. I had checked out.
I have angered and hurt a lot of people. I knew this was going to happen with the way the situation was handled on my part. I was emotional, thoughtless, and subversive. If I could this do this all over, I would do this completely different. As much as I said I wouldn’t do something like this, it happened, and I couldn’t feel any worse about having hurt the people I hurt.
Until next time, still praying for those that I wounded. God Bless.